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I spend an unsettling amount of time trying to convince myself to leave the house and be social everyday because even though everyone i know is fucking debilitating and painful for me to be around it is still less painful than staying here alone in my own thoughts for more than two hours at a time. Ill take responsibility for my part of it, i have a short temper. The reason it is so short is because my whole life i have been so consciously aware of everything and it has literally made me fucking crazy. I do this thing in my head to myself and everyone else where i pick apart every stupid fucking thing said or done, every fucking batshit ridiculous opinion, assumption, expectation, or brainwashed perspective of things that people have. it has made me scared and hateful of being a human. Though i never voice how i feel because ive done a damn good job of putting up this front with everyone that i am a kind and understanding indivisual with alot of empathy. But i do not have empathy for stupidity, pity maybe, but not empathy. In order to have empathy for something you have to share an understanding, which i do not. I do not understand stupidity because i am overly conscious and aware of right and wrong. Some people are smart in their own unique ways, some people are just fucking stupid. For instance, ive known this one person for many many years and ive listened to them and watched every stage of their life and i know for a fact they are stupid. Then their is my brother who is take your whole car apart and put it back together smart. That is the smart i wish i was rather than this intellectual awareness bullshit painful smart. im constantly at war with myself because i hate the way people think. Its actually quite hard to explain. I was driving tonight and their was a person going under 30 in a 35 in front of me. I was going around 25 therefore i was pretty close but i was letting off to let him get a head start every now and again for like 10 minutes and now we are two minutes from my house when i hear my brother faintly say under the sound of the blaring radio ” hey take this cul de sac to get away from him and do a loop” which i wouldnt have minded doing if i wasnt on empty and didnt just drive all the way to the gas station until i got their and realised i had no money . I then hear him say “ya know im getting tired of this disobedient shit” in reference to not listening to him and taking the turn. this is my brother the walking power struggle starting a dumb fight with me over nothing. Not a big deal right? I should just say fuck you and get over it but my brain has other plans. So we fight for the next minute going back and forth and he gets out of the car and goes inside to get high. I stayed in my car thinking about it getting madder and madder for another 20-25 minutes. Mind you even before this happened i was feeling very out of it due to being in the car for to long and seeing to many lights causing me to have my usual panic that puts me in this dissasociative state. None of this even matters siblings fight and thats normal. However i knew he wouldnt understand he was wrong for saying that to me and getting passive aggresive with me like he always does and thats what was really bothering me, that he is so intellectually deprived of basic human understanding and information processing that he wouldnt be able make sence of how wrong he was if he tried. So i stormed in my house with the full fledged knowledge that after i explained it to him as dumbed down as it gets that not only would he still not get it but he would say something else so irrational and power hungry. And thats exactly what happened so i then took my hate for humanity and anger out on him by throwning a lit cigarette at his eye and punching him in the face i then stormed into my car drove out of the driveway so fast i almost hit a telephone pole fucked up my steering alignment and sped up the road like a fucking savvage. I know i was wrong, i was right before i ostrasiced it. But the way my brain works is i could have drove away but i literally would have been infuriated with myself for reacting any less harsh. Thats me, the ticking time bomb.




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"Weekend" by Ai Wei Wei.

Mono Lake